Monday, May 22, 2006

Integral Relationship: One on One

There have been more than a few postings on Integral Relationship.....like Joe Perez' posting on polyamory. Integral Options Cafe actually shares the pain and effort that goes into growing an Integral relationship (I heartily applaud your extraordinary bravery, William and Kira), Meetups have been organized around the subject, and relationship in any form, evidenced by the proliferation of internet dating services and sites, weighs heavily on our individual and collective minds....and trust me...there's a dating service for every imaginable seeker!

Some of the newer and more interesting dating sites, from my perspective, that is, are David Deida's Spiritually Sexy, Conscious Singles, and Enlightened Match, just to name a few.

Like most people, I have gobs of friends in relationships of all kinds, and, DAMN, if I'm not just a little envious!

I've been married once, for seventeen years, and I was really good at it. I'm someone who should be deeply involved in a relationship, and yet, here I am, almost 61, and so solidly single I can't believe it. My whole foray into integral began with my marriage falling apart in the late 90's, and then, several years later, a painful, and painfully short and unsatisying relationship that sent me into psychotherapy. It was through that therapy that I began meditating, and well, one thing led to another. I find it amazing how many people come to radical change in their lives through painful means. I have come to call these painful paths "AFGO's", or, "another fucking growth opportunity"....please......no more AFGO's!

So what is with me and relationships? I want one, but don't have one. I suspect there's more than a little shadow work to be done, here. I have filled out profiles on five different dating sites, and not one is active. Wha's up wid 'dat? I keep telling myself I'll come across her profile, join the site, and tell her I only joined to meet her (been there, done that). Okay, when would I have time?....excuse. I'm okay alone...I am, but know it would be fuller not to be. A woman handed me her card and phone number in the grocery store this weekend....nice, but not my type.....what's my type? There's also a bit of not wanting to be disappointed, again.

Maybe it all comes down to having loved someone intensely, fully, passionately....seeing and recognizing the divine person within them that they wouldn't allow to come out.....watching helplessly as their fear drove them away.

Once you've experienced that, how do you accept anything else? I think by trying to recognize the divine in each and every person that you meet. And then you're never alone....and practice....lots of practice....I want to make this part of my practice, but it's not like you can start doing relationship, as if it were weights or meditation!

Somehow, I doubt this will be my last word on this subject.

2 comments:

Tom Mull said...

Gary wrote: "Maybe it all comes down to having loved someone intensely, fully, passionately....seeing and recognizing the divine person within them that they wouldn't allow to come out.....watching helplessly as their fear drove them away." Tom: I really resonate with that one Gary (my ex-wife (we were married 25 years)). =)

kari said...

What a great blog Gary!! For me, a relationship emerges when I definitely don't want it. :-)I know it sounds trite...I haven't been able to figure it out. I would like to say I've stopped trying, but that's not even quite true. Then I get into all kinds of questions: what is relationship, who/what am i really, who/what is he, what is really going on here?!!
I look forward to more from you Gary. Thanks so much for writing. Peace!