Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Heart breaking Wide Open

I'm altered as I'm writing this. I've been in this strange altered state since last night....maybe even since I returned from my 8-day Shamanic Breathwork Intensive. Or maybe it's because of the amazing conversations I had with Anyaa last night and this morning....maybe both.

It feels like I'm about to burst open, and that my heart is going to explode. It feels like something has grabbed me and is shaking more and more stuff out of me. Part of this is around abandonment issues that have surfaced recently...some due to the breathwork, some due to relationship.
Most couples seem to have abandonment/engulfment issues: One person's issues are around being abandoned, and they reach out harder to the other. The problem is that the other person's issues can be around engulfment, or smothering, and they'll tend to pull away, creating a vortex of push and pull that most couples aren't conscious enough to work through.
My own issues of abandonment come from the death of my college sweetheart, two weeks before graduation, in a boating accident. She was ripped from me, and I didn't get to say goodbye, and consequently, I'm always afraid the other is going to leave.
Recognizing what was going on, I've been telling myself, "Gary....stop it." Wrong.....Repression. Anyaa helped me see that I need to embrace that young man, let myself feel his, and my, pain and tell him it's okay...and just hold him. What an amazing woman she is, how incredible that we both bring a new way of being and living into each others' lives, and that we get to step more fully, more consciously into our life together. I had asked for a relationship that would break me open, challenge me, and I got exactly what I asked for.
So I've been telling my younger self that it's okay, all night and day, and I feel like I'm just bursting open. So I'm letting go and letting come, making room for something, some shift, some new awareness, as it creeps into my life and being.
And once again, I feel myself growing bigger.


WH said...

Great post, Gary.

You're doing the real work -- and how wonderful that your partner is so supportive and insightful.

I've been happy to read about your adventures in this relationship -- a source of inspiration and hope for the rest of us.


Gary Stamper said...

Thanks, Bill. It's taken me 2/3rds of my expected lifetime to find this relationship, and maybe more importantly, to be ready for it. If others can find hope in what we do, that's a gift I'm happy to give.

Big Love,